Feeling lost

I feel so lost without Gessner. I'm not sure that I ever thought that I would say that. I fancied myself an independent woman. But the truth is that Gess was my everything. And now that he is gone, I don't know what to do. I go through the days because I have to, but I don't have any purpose. I just go through the motions of life and put one foot in front of the other. They tell me that this is all normal. That I am still in shock.

But there are times when the pain feels like it is too much. I know that Gess wouldn't want me to be such a wreck, but I can't help it. I can't seem to pull things together and figure out what I am supposed to do. I don't want to have to fight through this. I don't want to keep trudging along this "grief journey." I want my life back! I want to be myself again. But I died that night with Gess and I am not sure if I have the energy to rebuild myself.

Alas, I know that I will have to. I will have to keeping putting one foot in front of the other. I must have faith that there will be a day when doing that is not so difficult and that it will not always be such a battle. I have to have faith that I will find myself. Nights like this it is just hard.