I hate demerol

Today has been a rough day.  Gess is home, but on pretty high doses of Demerol.  If he would lay down and rest while on it I wouldn't have a problem.  But it makes him loopy and antsy...which is not a good combination.  He is continually up and doing something, but not really coherent enough...it is hard to explain, but it seems dangerous.  So much so, that I feel like I have to watch him all of the time.  He also doesn't sleep well, so he wakes me up several times.  So, the bottom line is that I am exhausted.

And with that exhaustion come much frustration.  Since March he has been hospitalized 6 times.  The pain is getting so severe that it requires narcotic medication at least once a week.  I am worried that there isn't an end in sight.  We know that they didn't get the source of bleeding this time, so it is only a matter of time before it comes back.   The pain specialist gave Gess some new medication to try to help with the pain, but the irony of it is that he hasn't been well enough to even try the medication.  Seriously.  

These days make we wonder how I am going to be able to deal with things when it gets worse. I don't want it to get worse.  I just want to have a little bit of "normal."  And then that makes me feel horrible.  I feel like a bad person.  I need to be the strong one, Gess is the one that is suffering through this and I feel like a complete failure.  **sigh**