A breakdown

Thursday night I had a breakdown.  Thursday itself was stressful--running around to work, get Gess after discharge, pick up Beauty, etc.  I was exhausted, but couldn't go to sleep.  As soon as I put my head on the pillow, my mind would start to race. All I could think about was everything that I needed to get done.  I got up and did the things that you are supposed to do to combat that type of insomnia--do a few things, make a list, meditate, take a warm bath...but nothing worked.  Finally around 1 am I tried to go back to bed, but soon after laying down, I started to cry.  And not the little tiny tears---but the big, sobbing ones where your whole body shakes.  All I could think about is how Gessner is sick and how he has only been really "well" for about 2 weeks during the entire year.  It was a completely selfish moment--where I wonder if I can actually handle this day after day after day.  And then my thoughts quickly went to the fact that I need to make more money.  Because if I made more money, then Gessner could quit his job and just focus on his health.  Of course, he says that he has no desire to quit and I actually think that it will be really hard for him when he hits that place.  But on the other hand....if he wasn't working, could his health improve?  I put so much pressure on him to do things--I schedule dates with our friends, or get tickets to the opera, or like right now, I am decorating the house and trying to get it done before his family gets here next weekend.

So...I feel like a complete failure.  I cannot do my job well enough.  I cannot be a good enough wife.  I cannot even keep my house in order or get myself to the gym, or to lose weight.  I cannot do an of the things that I need to do.

These thoughts causes a lot of sobbing, even wailing.  Gess wanted to know what was going on, but I knew that the thoughts there were inside my head would not be good thoughts for him to here.  Finally I blurted out "You're sick!  Your lung functions are 43 percent.  You are sick every day and it isn't going to get any better."  It all just came out.  Those are my fears.  My fears that 43 is now the new baseline and wondering when the slide will start.  I don't know how I will deal with it when it comes.  Will I be capable of giving him what he needs?  Right now I feel woefully inadequately in all aspects of my life and my care of him.  I put too high of expectations on him and push him.  Why can't I push him to do less?  Why? 

And there are days when I can't stop thinking about the "when" and the "after."  It will come.  Come before it should.  My life will end as his does.  But I will be expected to carry on.  But how one does that is so unclear.  My whole life for the past 10 years has been intricately entwined with his.  We are a pair.  That is not to say that we aren't our own people as well....but we are a pair.  When are a couple and we have couple friends.  So when that day comes I will no longer be a couple and the dynamic with them will drastically change.  They will invite me because they don't want me to be alone.  But it won't work.  I will be lopsided, or missing a apart.

These thoughts engulfed me and I couldn't stop crying until I vomited.   Even then, I continued to cry....finally collapsing when I could not feel anymore.