Another rough week

It has been another rough week. We did receive confirmation that Gessner (and by proxy me) had H1N1. Luckily, he seemed to get through that okay, but now has a cold or something else going on. The biggest issue that is going on is a mental/emotional battle that he is facing. He is tired of being sick and it has been really hard. I don't know how to help and am finding myself incredibly frustrated in this whole thing. I guess it is related to his frustration, but he is not doing much by way of treatment right now. He is supposed to be on IV cefaphime and inhaled Tobi and he is not doing either. I actually got really angry about this yesterday and yelled about it when he woke me up in the middle of the night. He doesn't have an answer as to why he is doing this and it is frustrating. I want him to be healthy--not just for himself, but for me too. This whole year has been so draining on both of us and now it is getting worse. I am not sure when he is going to come out of this or if he is or what to do. Simply put, it is incredibly frustrating. I know that he is frustrated and I certainly am as well.

Last weekend the brother of one of my closest friends was killed in a car accident. It is a difficult situation because of a strained relationship and family drama. So, I have been worried about her.

Then today I got a message from my aunt saying that my dad was back in the hospital and not doing well. He is dehydrated and has lost too much weight. She said in her message that it wasn't looking very good (in case we wanted to come). So, I came over to Yakima tonight. I didn't let Gess come with me because he is too sick. He doesn't need to be in the hospital to get exposed to more germs, and really my dad doesn't need to be exposed to the germs that Gess has. It was hard to leave knowing that Gess is struggling, but I felt like I needed to come here and Gess supported that decision.

Apparently my dad is fighting and says that he will walk out of the hospital, so that is a good sign. He was able to eat a little today and they are hydrating him. They are going to put in a feeding tube on Monday and he will have his last radiation treatment then as well. If he can gain 5 pounds, he will be able to get his chemo treatment on Wednesday. I am not sure what else or if any of that will change. I got into town too late to go by the hospital, so I will have to wait until the morning to get more information.

My plan is to do family stuff here tomorrow (my mother is also depressed, so I need to talk to her) and then head back to Seattle on Sunday morning. We are supposed to have a big group photo shoot with friends, which I am looking forward to. Then on Monday, I will go to the funeral to support my friend and then come back to Yakima if necessary. **sigh** I'm tired just thinking about all of this!

Worried about the future

I am trying to stave off a panic attack and hoping that blogging might help. Gess's health just isn't getting better and honestly, it is freaking me out. During one of his recent hospitalizations Gessner's dad called and asked us to move to Florida. He said that we could live with him and that I could take time off, or practice law, or go to school, or whatever I want to do and the same with Gess. I don't want to have to live with his dad, certainly, but I will admit that the thought of being taken care of is so appealing.

We LOVE Seattle. I LOVE Seattle. And I do NOT want to move. I have GREAT friends and they have been really supportive during all of this. But today our "best" friends told us that they are going to Austrailia for 6 months. Not that 6 months is long, but it will be hard...when Gess heard he told me to start looking at being licensed in Florida.

This whole thing scares me. I don't want to leave my friends and my life here in Seattle. But, I also know that I need to do what will be best for Gess and his health. I am afraid that this is going to have serious effects on my career and I am afraid of uprooting my life, moving to Florida, and being left alone there eventually. I feel like CF has kidnapped my life and is the primary driving factor in it right now, and I don't know how to get it back!

An update

I know it has been a while...basically I am getting tired of complaining about CF and the toll it is taking on us this year. But, it keeps going and going and going.

First, I got what the doctors presume is the swine flu. I was so upset when I heard. I cried and cried and felt so bad, not wanting to get Gess sick. I have done everything that they tell you to do to keep from getting sick, but to no avail. We, of course, called the clinic and they put Gess on Tamiflu proactively. We called my MD's office and their response was that Gess should be on tamiflu, but that I should just wait it out. I initially accepted that answer, but at the urging of some facebook friends, decided to talk to my ND. I just told him my symptoms and he prescribed tamiflu right away and also mailed me some Chinese herbal tea. I love my ND! He is so reasonable...he uses traditional (western) and alternative medicines and has made such a positive difference in my health.

Anyway...Gess took care of me for a couple of days...bringing me food and checking on me. We kept a reasonable distance and sanitized everything I touch...but a couple of days later, Gess started feeling fluish too. He was on tamiflu, but yesterday woke up with a swollen face. We called the pulmonary fellow on call (not sure why things always happen on the weekend!) and he told us to take Gess into the ER. The conclusion is that he was having a (very) delayed allergic reaction to the tamiflu. They took a swab to test for the flu, but I am not sure if it will have been too late or not, so I doubt that we will ever know if we "officially" had H1N1. The ER doctor wanted to admit Gess, but the pulmonary fellow said no because he might be exposed to the flu if he didn't already have it. I have a feeling that the hospital is inevitable, so I really wish that they would have just admitted him, but what do I know? They did put him on another anti-viral, again, presuming that he does have the swine flu.

Today Gess contacted the clinic and they put him on IV antibiotics. He is pissed about it. He is also having lung pain, so is on pain meds again.

He is so frustrated with his health right now and I can see it in his mood. It is hard to watch and I don't know what to do. And I miss my husband and want him to come back. This "new" guy is hard and negative. CF sucks!

As for me, I am starting to feel better. No fevers for a few days and the biggest issue I have is a cough. Gess keeps commenting on how bad it sounds ("You sound worse than me!"), but it is getting better. I have more energy today, so I am happy about that. I am hoping for a break from being sick and hoping that Gess starts to feel better soon.