Monday, May 17, 2010

A ray of hope

We had a really great day on Saturday--my Gessner was back! It was so refreshing to be able to just hang out with Gess and enjoy the day. We drove up to Gig Harbor (about 45 minutes from Seattle) just to explore. We decided that we want to take more of these little exploring trips. While walking through town we found a yarn store and noticed that a yarn shop hop was happening that weekend. Gess asked if I wanted to do it, so how could I say no? :) We ended up going to only 4 of the stores, but that was enough. I got a few free patterns and bought some yarn for a scarf (it is the coolest ruffles!) and some for socks for Gess. I haven't been knitting much lately, but I guess I should start again :) I have lots of nice yarn just waiting for me.

I really hope that we have more of these "good" days. I have really missed him!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The beginning of the end?

My husband usually knows his body. When he says that there is something wrong, there usually is something wrong. He can tell when something is different and when he needs to go into the hospital. So, a statement that he made to me a few weeks ago has me very concerned. He told me that he won't make it another year. Wow. That floored me. I asked him about it the next day to see where the statement came from (e.g. if he was just having a really rough day, etc.). He said that he wasn't entirely sure, but it was how he felt. So, I recognize that the statement could have been a measure of how he was feeling that day, but deep down I worry that it is something more. And part of me has that feeling too. It is strange because he still works full-time, has the same lung functions that he has had for years (in the low 40s), doesn't need 02, etc., but he is definitely "sick." I see it and feel it. It is hard to quantify and a bit frustrating because his numbers don't quite correlate to what I am seeing and apparently what he is feeling.
He has mentioned transplant and we are starting the "talking about it" process. We have a clinic appointment in two weeks and that should be the main topic of discussion. That whole prospect scares the crap out of me. I'm scared that I won't be enough through that process. I already feel like I am not enough--and I think that Gess feels that way too--when he is semi-healthy, so how will I possibly be able enough through that process?

And then of course there is the question of whether he will even be a good candidate for transplant. His liver will probably not survive a lung transplant and his lungs would not likely survive a liver transplant...or at the least, the transplant teams would probably not want those odds. So that leaves us with liver AND lungs. There have been 37 in the U.S. according to UNOS. None at the UW. Should we go to another center? Move? Do I need to start studying for some other state's bar exam?

Should I have hope? Hope scares me. Should I stop thinking about it? I wish I could. So, I guess I will just have to try to distract myself until we can talk to the doctors and see how that goes.