Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Seven weeks

And it really hasn't gotten better. There are "good" days or moments. I go out with my friends and I laugh. But there is still a gaping hole in my heart and I carry that with me always. I still wake up in the morning and reach out for Gessner. Realizing he isn't there is not a good way to start out the morning. I still see things that make me think "I can't wait to tell Gessner..." and the reality hits me again. It is like a cruel joke.

I am doing all of the things that grieving widows are "supposed" to do. I am trying to sleep, trying to eat, getting a little exercise, but not too much, seeing my friends, etc. But really I don't know if it is helping. I don't think that there is anything that can help. The simple fact is that my husband is gone. Gessner is my life and now he is gone. I don't know how to be without him and honestly I don't want to have to figure it out. I am exhausted. I don't want to find the "new" me. I don't want to be a widow--I hate that word and everything that it means. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm broken...but I am broken and I don't know if I will ever be whole again. On nights like this, it doesn't seem possible. I feel like my life is over and I am just going through the motions now.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Memories are all I have left now and I am afraid that I am going to forget them. But the thought of putting them all down is daunting. So, I'll start with a few:
  • If I gave him a peck when he asked for a kiss he would say "No, I want a MOVIE kiss."
  • When my nose got cold (which it often did), he would tilt his head to offer me his neck. I would put my nose on his warm neck. It always made me smile.
  • He had icicle toes and loved to put them on me at night (and make me squeal of course).
  • He gave Beauty the nickname "boo boo."
I miss him so much!