Sunday, January 9, 2011

Feeling lost

I feel so lost without Gessner. I'm not sure that I ever thought that I would say that. I fancied myself an independent woman. But the truth is that Gess was my everything. And now that he is gone, I don't know what to do. I go through the days because I have to, but I don't have any purpose. I just go through the motions of life and put one foot in front of the other. They tell me that this is all normal. That I am still in shock.

But there are times when the pain feels like it is too much. I know that Gess wouldn't want me to be such a wreck, but I can't help it. I can't seem to pull things together and figure out what I am supposed to do. I don't want to have to fight through this. I don't want to keep trudging along this "grief journey." I want my life back! I want to be myself again. But I died that night with Gess and I am not sure if I have the energy to rebuild myself.

Alas, I know that I will have to. I will have to keeping putting one foot in front of the other. I must have faith that there will be a day when doing that is not so difficult and that it will not always be such a battle. I have to have faith that I will find myself. Nights like this it is just hard.

10 comments:

Piper said...

everything you write feels so honest and real, lisa. please don't doubt that you are strong and independent -- it shines through in everything you do and every word on this blog, even if it feels hidden sometimes. sending you peace, love, and strength as you continue on your journey.

Tina said...

Lisa I think of you everyday and am rooting for you. I don't know if there is anything that makes this process any easier or makes it pass any faster. I wish there was. I am sending you all of my love, good thoughts and vibes.

Shannon said...

I know we're dealing with two highly different issues, but still, I feel so much the way you describe. Stuck. and i had the same feeling of always having been so independent - why am I such a wreck now? I agree with Piper, you do write so refreshingly honestly - even though it's painful, there is so much beauty in you and it shines through. I'm thinking about you lots and sending you lots of love <3

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