Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Babies

Man, I feel like I am beating the proverbial dead horse, but I want to have kids. I am not sure why this is hitting me so much right now. It might be because I have been around kids a bit lately (I even had a 6 year old explain to me how to have kids!), but it also might be my birthday coming up (I will be 32 *gasp* in a couple of weeks).

I am planning to talk to Gess again about the issue, but those talks are always so emotionally draining (for both of us). He says that he wants kids, but feels like it would be irresponsible because of his CF. I do understand the argument and can agree with it on an intellectual level sometimes. But there is a part of me--a huge part of me--that just cannot accept that I "can't" have kids. I might feel differently if I were the one with CF. But I'm not, so here I am, wondering what to do. It seems so ironic that I have done everything "right" in terms of what society says you are "supposed" to do for starting a family: I went to college and graduated, and then married a great man that I love, and then went to law school and worked on my career so that I can have a good job and financially care for a family, waited until I was older and more mature, etc., etc., But here I am, only 32 and the possibility isn't looking good. I feel like an adolescent that just wants to stomp her feet and scream "It's not fair!" at the top of my lungs.

I wish there was a way that Gess and I could be on the same page about this, but really I don't think that it will happen. And that really hurts. I sometimes envision myself as a young-ish widow, all alone with no kids and no family (since my family is not supportive). That seems like such a bleak and lonely future.

I know that there isn't an answer. I also know that a lot of people have strong feelings about the whole CF-kids issue. So, I am not wanting to start any sort of debate. Just trying to get out my feelings, so hopefully I can move on to an "I'm okay" phase.

6 comments:

Ronnie "Sickboy" Sharpe said...

My thoughts...

There are certainly ways to have children and limit your chances of them having CF (are you a carrier?)

Maybe a child will lite a fire under Gess and give him another reason to work his butt off to stay healthy.

The harsh reality is you have to be 100% comfortable with the possibility of being a single parent with a very young child. If you can handle that, you're way ahead of the game.

One man's opinion.

Ronnie

jordysmom said...

((((((hugs)))))))

Stacey

Leena said...

praying for discernment for you... *hugs*

~Leena

Elizabeth said...

I know from experience these choices are very, very hard. We went one way and it has brought great joy, but also a lot of pain. For example: we don't talk about sending Liam off to kindergarden, let alone college, pretty much at all because odds are, Will won't be here to stand on the porch and cry salty tears with me. That's the harsh reality. I woudn't trade it for not having Liam, but I also wish every day that it were different and less painful. It's gut wrenchingly painful to think about, and I know it breaks Will's heart. But, it's also heartwrenchingly beautiful to hold your tiny baby, and watch him grow. I wish most of all that there were no CF and none of us have to deal with any of it. Barring that, I hope you can come to some peace. Love to you,
Elizabeth

mae said...

I understand how he would feel it would be irresponsible of him to have kids that he cannot be around for forever. However, explain to him that it doesn't mean he can't enjoy the time that they DO have together, and if he values you as a responsible and deserving partner, he would grant you the gift of children because he would trust in you to be capable of being a single parent one day. Lots of people are single parents, any many of them are not equipped with the selflessness and love you have shown to be part of your make-up. And there's also the argument that the sooner you have them, the more time he can have with them as well.

mae said...

I also want to say that my friend Bob (brianandbobbyspeak.com) passed away 2 weekends ago. It was sudden. When he was younger, he had wanted children, but lately he thought it would be unfair to have them. If Bob had had the chance to have children, I really wish he had. If the kid was half as amazing as he was, it would have made the world a better place.