Monday, August 4, 2008

The Voices Inside My Head

The voices inside my head just won't stop today. I am a thinker--and no, I am not full of myself or calling myself an intellectual or anything pompous, I am just pointing out that I devote a lot of energy to thinking about things--and often over thinking things. I will get something in my head, and then every time my mind can break away from the what it is supposed to be doing (mostly likely work), it will race right back to that subject. I play out scenarios, analyze every minute detail, and stew over things. In sum, I am neurotic.

Anyway, today has been particularly bad. There is nothing specific that is eating away at me. I just keep thinking about things. I feel like all my thoughts are internally focused and I find myself just "inside" a lot. It is annoying because I do have work to do. Also, none of my usual "tricks" are working today. I turned on the music. I shut my office door. I turned on the music and shut my office door. I smelled my essential oils. I took a walk and got a little bit of sunshine. I wrote out a short to do list and crossed everyone on it off. I wrote in my other blog. Still, I can't seem to keep from getting drawn back in to myself. It is like daydreaming, but not. It is like I am writing a memoir in my head. I recall things that happened and I tell them to myself in prose form. I am writing a book in my silly head.

Today it is not CF focused, which is actually a nice break. All of the hospital visits over the past weeks and also starting some fundraising, etc., has really kept CF at the forefront of my mind. But it is exhausting and it is nice to have a break, even if unintentional and if it is caused by my idiosyncrasies (let's just say I am "quirky" that sounds better than "clinically insane).


Amy said...

You sound alot like me. Whens omehting gets in my head it sticks there till it wears itself out!

I hope you clear your head out soon and can get back to work :)


Betsy said...

oh my. we do have a lot in common.
I actually test out NQ

Betsy said...

I thought some more about what you wrote in this entry -- and what you wrote about isolation in another entry. I think maybe that the "talking inside my head" thing (which I still do a lot) increased with the isolation - that what I needed/need to do is to talk more everything/anything with real 3d people -- that I need that real back and forth in real time with facial expression communication with flesh and blood folks who want to know me and give me good feedback (including hugs). I dealt with that somewhat by having a therapist, but having a real life community that I stayed in contact with (or just one or two friends other than my husband) could have really helped me not do the circular, compulsive dialog in my head stuff so much.

Just a thought...