Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Confession: Baby Blues

I am having one of those "I-want-a-baby-so-bad-I-could-scream" phases right now. I go through more often than I would like, but it does seem like it has been awhile since the last one. I have been enjoying that good things about not being a mom--the quiet, the freedom, etc. But I feel like I am being bombarded with pregnant women and it is getting to me. It is so strange to me how strong these urges can be. I mean, I can intellectually think about the issue and say "Having kids doesn't make sense" or "Look at all the things you can do because you don't have kids" or whatever, but a pregnant woman can walk past me and I nearly burst into tears. It has to be biology. There is just no way around it! My would I want to be pregnant and have all that extra responsibility? It HAS to be biology. But knowing that doesn't make these times any easier. On days like these I feel like I am "broken" because I am not a mother--that there is something wrong with me and I am less than a "full" woman because of it. Again, the mind knows that this is completely not true...but the thoughts still creep in.

Now, please do not comment and say "If it is meant to be it will happen" or "You could always adopt" or something like that. I am not looking for a solution to a "problem" just trying to say what I am feeling out loud in hopes that it helps the phase pass. I know that there are other options and I know that IVF is an option too. We just don't know that we want to have a child (biologically or otherwise) with Gess having CF. It is just really hard to think of bringing a child into that situation. But on the other hand, it hard for me to accept that it will never be.

8 comments:

Amy said...

I feel your pain. A friend of mine at work announced she was pregnant and there was a moment (ok a few) where I was completely jealous and not happy for her. Then I wised up and now I am super happy for her - especially because I have been wondering for a long time when she was gonna have kids.

Making the decsion to not have children remains the hardest choice I have ever made. In my mind I know it is the right and smart thing to do, but like you, the biology of me doesn't agree.

Here's to us overcoming our biological "issues" hahah!!!!!
*raises glass of sangria*

<3

Jennifer said...

I haven't had one of those baby want waves in awhile, but I know what you mean. Just because you're doing the best thing for yourself, doesn't mean that it stops being something you would want if it were possible.

Since luckily no one I know has babies, for me it's going by the baby clothing departments. Wee little clothes will get you every time.

Jenn R said...

GB hugs of comfort going your way...Jenn

Sara and Dustin said...

Hey girl!

I understand your feelings. I always secretly hope for a miracle and to just get pregnant the natural way!! Yes, like I stated in my blog..i am a dreamer.... :)

Elizabeth said...

Hi - thanks for your note and comment on my Liam blog; it's nice to have a connection, and you're so close (we're near Seattle). Hope your husband is doing well, and if you ever want to talk about the baby thing (with a complete stranger, how weird, I know), PM me. We went through all the agony, decided to have a baby, went through hell to have one, and now sometimes, honestly, question the decision although, of course, we can't and wouldn't want to turn back. But it is complicated to bring this 3rd person into our life with CF and lung tx. Complicated. Best to you and yours,
Elizabeth

Piper said...

Lisa, I'm right there with you. Or maybe in a slightly different position, but the result is the same. I know I could never bring a kid into my unstable health world (although I respect people who make that choice), but doesn't stop me from wishing. Hope you feel better soon!

Tina said...

I've been there. Strange how we are so hard wired for baby-making.

e.beck.artist said...

i totally get what you mean by feeling "broken" and i cried at pregnant women .. and skipped loads of baby showers ......

my infertility trip was arduous ..... but ultimately i had kids ....i hope your trip is not too arduous and that the end of your journey brings your mind peace ..... cause i know when you are sorting out feelings in your head, there's no peace!!