Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Seven weeks


And it really hasn't gotten better. There are "good" days or moments. I go out with my friends and I laugh. But there is still a gaping hole in my heart and I carry that with me always. I still wake up in the morning and reach out for Gessner. Realizing he isn't there is not a good way to start out the morning. I still see things that make me think "I can't wait to tell Gessner..." and the reality hits me again. It is like a cruel joke.

I am doing all of the things that grieving widows are "supposed" to do. I am trying to sleep, trying to eat, getting a little exercise, but not too much, seeing my friends, etc. But really I don't know if it is helping. I don't think that there is anything that can help. The simple fact is that my husband is gone. Gessner is my life and now he is gone. I don't know how to be without him and honestly I don't want to have to figure it out. I am exhausted. I don't want to find the "new" me. I don't want to be a widow--I hate that word and everything that it means. I want people to stop looking at me like I'm broken...but I am broken and I don't know if I will ever be whole again. On nights like this, it doesn't seem possible. I feel like my life is over and I am just going through the motions now.

10 comments:

Stacey said...

I can't even begin to imagine... {{{HUGS}}}

Elizabeth said...

Hey Lisa -- been thinking of you often, every day and wishing there was anything I could do or say to, I don't know, "make things better" sounds so stupid. Offer a distraction, maybe, or a small moment of peace. Sending many hugs to you and Beauty. One moment at a time. What did you decide about Christmas? You're welcome here always With love,
Elizabeth

NoExcuses said...

HUGS HUGS HUGS to you Lisa. I can't imagine what you've been going through. We are here for you and love you!

CowTown said...

I'm so sorry he's gone Lisa! I wish he was there with you too. XO

CFsteph said...

My thoughts have been with you during this holiday season. I can only imagine how difficult this has all been for you. I hope 2011 will bring you some relief of this grief.

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