Failure

I feel so awful right now.  I don't sleep, so my sleep doctor gives me sleeping pills to use in conjunction with CPAP (I have very mild sleep apnea). I hate the CPAP, and so have never made transition to using just that and other non-medication ways to fix the sleep issues. S0--with my doctor's blessing--I take ambein every night.  It works great for me.

Except tonight.

About 15 minutes after I took it--and while I was already starting to get drowsy--Gess had a huge attack of lung pain.  I have never seen him like this before.  He was in tears and tensing up, and just looked horrible.  He said "I need to go to the ER" so I jumped up as always to get out the door and then he said no, I want to wait it out a bit.

Then he remember that I just took my pill and would not be able to drive him.  But he needed to go.  So, I told him that I was calling his friend or an ambulance.  He said the friend.  I know that the friend is happy to be able to help.  But it crushed Gess to have to ask.  To have his friend see him this way.  A course, when the friend got here, I was already crying.  I feel like it is my fault.  If I hadn't taken the pill then I could have driven him.  But now, he is hurting because he is exposing his friend to this.  His friend is probably worried because this is his first exposure to this and I am going to be passed out, incapable of doing anything.  I feel horrible...but at the same time I NEED to be able to sleep.  I went for a year without sleeping well, and I could hardly function. 

So now I will fall asleep and have fitfull dreams wondering what is going on at the hospital.  Hopefully I can get in a couple of hours and be awake enough to go and take the friends place.

Damn it!