Monday, September 22, 2008


I feel so awful right now.  I don't sleep, so my sleep doctor gives me sleeping pills to use in conjunction with CPAP (I have very mild sleep apnea). I hate the CPAP, and so have never made transition to using just that and other non-medication ways to fix the sleep issues. S0--with my doctor's blessing--I take ambein every night.  It works great for me.

Except tonight.

About 15 minutes after I took it--and while I was already starting to get drowsy--Gess had a huge attack of lung pain.  I have never seen him like this before.  He was in tears and tensing up, and just looked horrible.  He said "I need to go to the ER" so I jumped up as always to get out the door and then he said no, I want to wait it out a bit.

Then he remember that I just took my pill and would not be able to drive him.  But he needed to go.  So, I told him that I was calling his friend or an ambulance.  He said the friend.  I know that the friend is happy to be able to help.  But it crushed Gess to have to ask.  To have his friend see him this way.  A course, when the friend got here, I was already crying.  I feel like it is my fault.  If I hadn't taken the pill then I could have driven him.  But now, he is hurting because he is exposing his friend to this.  His friend is probably worried because this is his first exposure to this and I am going to be passed out, incapable of doing anything.  I feel horrible...but at the same time I NEED to be able to sleep.  I went for a year without sleeping well, and I could hardly function. 

So now I will fall asleep and have fitfull dreams wondering what is going on at the hospital.  Hopefully I can get in a couple of hours and be awake enough to go and take the friends place.
Damn it!


Elizabeth said...

Lisa -- I'm so, so sorry you're going through all this right now. It doesn't help to hear it, I know, but you do need to take care of yourself; everyone always says it because it's true. Easier said than done, I know for sure. And so, so hard not to feel guilty for the smallest thing. Call or email if there's anything we can do or if you just need to process. Wishing the best for you and for Gess and a speedy and complete recovery. Love,

Princess Talana said...

Lisa, I'm thinking about you and Gess!


CowTown said...

Wow Lisa. I would imagine that Gess knows you wouldn't have taken that pill knowingly, and of course you know that too. So, you didn't mess up or do anything wrong. If you had known, I'm sure you wouldn't have taken it -- but there's no way you would havae know such a thing was going to happen. I can understand your frustration with it, but know also that I'm sure Gess' friend will take good care of him. This will probably bring them both closer and his friend might even be thankful that he was let in (so to speak).

Okay, enough rambling on my part. :) Hugs to both of you.

Amy said...

Definitely NOT your fault Lisa. You did everything you normally do. CF has a way of sneaking up and making things shitty all at once. Like Kelly said, you didn't take the pill knowing that something was going to happen. And Gess knows that too.

I am keeping both of you close to my heart today.


Piper said...

lisa, i don't know how helpful this is, but as a cfer i have to say it: every time i read this blog i am struck by how lucky gess is to have such an involved, caring partner. seriously. and you have to take care of yourself too - your husband knows that - so please please try to cut yourself a little slack here. you are NOT a failure.

sounds like it was a super crappy night. i'm just so sorry you and gess had to go through all that. here's hoping for a speedy recovery!


Jenn R said...

Lisa, I am with the others on this one. It is not your fault...CF is a crappy disease that has a way of kicking you when you least expect it to. It is so can't beat yourself up over this. You are wonderful to Gess and he knows it. I am keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers, gentle hugs...Jenn