Saturday, September 26, 2009

Feeling Broken

Things are rough right now. Gess is in the hospital and I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. There isn't anything specific that is going on; in the grand scheme of "CF stuff" this seems rather minor, but it has just hit me. I think that it is just the combo of everything that is going on. I hate when I feel like this because I feel so utterly inadequate. The words "I hate myself" pop into my head too many times a day and they are getting harder to push away. Today I have done basically nothing. I just feel like I can't possibly move to do much. I have SO much to do and no excuse for not doing it. Yet, I just can't seem to make myself act. I am tired, no, I am exhausted. I am broken. Of course, Gess needs me and so I feel guilty for being such a wreck. I guess I will put on my big girl pants tomorrow, suck it up, and power through. Or at least I hope I will be able to.


Jessica said...

Just by being who you are, and sticking by Gess through all of this - I don't even mean loving everything about him every second, we can be intolerable when we feel bad, and we know it haha - but simply by NOT LEAVING, you "put on your big girl pants" every day. Ironic you should mention them, as I did myself in my post tonight. I won't re-hash in your comments section, but just check the last paragraph, and know that I hope you can find your "cape" and make it through this latest patch no worse for wear. For what it's worth, I SO admire you, and you give me hope that one day I might find somebody who decides I'm worth "sticking by." Just thought you should know you inspire me :o) You're in my prayers.


jordysmom said...

I can't even begin to imagine trying to recover from a procedure myself while taking care of someone else at the same time. I'm sure it's more than exhausting.

You've got a big old pile of crap falling all around you, so don't feel guilty about being down right now. You're entitled.

I hope today is a better day for you and Gess.


Jess said...

I'm so sorry things are rough right now :( It is exhausting and dealing with CF is a lot to take sometimes. I give my husband tons of credit for being so great with me having CF. I truly hope things get better for you and please know I'm thinking of you both.