Sunday, December 28, 2008

Relationships, CF-style

CF sucks.  And it certainly puts a strain on relationships!  G and I had a rough discussion tonight and I am feeling very uneasy about the whole darn thing.  I think that the point that the conversation when south was when we started talking about having kids.  I feel like G is digging his heels in on the "no" side, apparently not because he doesn't want to, but because it isn't "right" to do to the future child.  I can intellectually "get" that position, but...I can't seem to mesh that with my intense desire to have a kid.  It seemed like G's ultimate position is that my options are divorce and then have a kid solo or to not have a kid--talk about attractive options.  I can't imagine that those have to be my only options, but at the moment I am not sure what else there is.  

Relationships are work, period.  But it seems that CF makes it so much more work.  I makes every thing more complicated and makes every decision harder.  Death is always in the picture, hovering over everyone, taunting.  Death will come, and I will be left alone.  We both know that.   At times I find myself grieving the future together that we will never have and wondering what I am going to do in my "after" life, the life that I will be expected to live after G is gone.  And G will feels guilty over my pain and knowing that he is going to leave me.  He says that he is holding me back from getting what I want and that it will be better for me if he was gone now, instead of some time in the future.  He is sick, and struggling with that, so I know that the sickness is talking to some extent, but he has told me about his feelings of guilt so many time that I know it is a huge issue for him.   It seems that we both love each other so much but that the love is actually hurting.  It isn't supposed to be that way.  Why does CF have to hurt everyone and everything? 

And yes, we have seen a couple's therapist and we have talked about it, etc., etc., the situation just plain sucks and there does not appear to be any real answer.  Blah! 

5 comments:

Amy said...

(((HUGS)))

Elizabeth said...

So, so sorry--I know how difficult these conversations can be. Seems like this disease makes it impossible to even fight fair---since all the options are all loaded up with everyone's sense of guilt, obligations, and limits. Thinking of you and hoping that G feels better and is more able to talk things out soon.

Leena said...

Prayers and hugs for both of you, Lisa. :'(

jordysmom said...

I hate that you have to struggle with all of this. (((((hugs))))

Stacey

Shannon said...

My usband and I went to a therapist most of this past year. The one we chose used a technicque called Imago therapy and I strongly recommend it if you ever look into therapy again. I think you can google it online to find a provider. I mention it to all couples I know who have satuff they need to sort out as I have been in and out of therpy much of my life (Cf will do that, I guess - that or I am just one fucked up broad)and honeslty, that was the only one I really felt was beneficial and worked. Just an FYI if you ever go there again.